Posts Tagged ‘watchoback’

WARNING!!! MISSION RAPIST ON THE LOOSE!!!

December 9, 2011

The police are after a rape suspect right here in The Mish!  I know, super scary, right?

Help us, help you, find the Mission Rapist.  OMGTHEMISH! has exclusive details:

  • Approximately 24-32 year old male
  • 5’9″ to 6’2″
  • Straight dark hair, perfectly schwooped
  • Thin frame
  • Noticeable stubble
  • Dark skinny jeans
  • Black hoodie over plaid button-up
  • Thick plastic-frame glasses/wayfarer sunglasses if it’s sunny
  • Desert/chukka boots
  • Hidden tattoos
  • Pack of American Spirits
  • Messenger bag
  • Fixed-gear bicycle with “rapemobile” decal
Here is an artist’s rendering of the culprit:

He's laughing at you, not with you.

If you see this man or a man who resembles him, point at him and scream “RAPIST!” then run to the nearest bodega and call the police. Do NOT hesitate. Help save the dignity of many helpless single girls in The Mission. Only you can prevent tragedy.

Cinco De Mayo Street Donuts

May 5, 2011

Don't worry, it's not a trick.

If you’re not enjoying the suburban tourist gang rape the neighborhood is experiencing right now, maybe head down to the 24th street BART station and enjoy some free donuts.  Compliments of somebody.

Is that Latin poetry?

April 23, 2011

If you make it to Dolores park today, try heading down under the bridge.  There is a performance art exhibition going on all weekend.  The theme: angry Latin poetry.  This guy’s an artist.  Look for him under the fart graffiti.

Watch out for the Muni!

BREAKING: FREE SHINGLES SHOTS

April 10, 2011

Walk-Ins Welcome.

Apparently we’ve got a bunch of do-gooders at 26th and South Van Ness.  I bet they got the syringes from the guys at Vic’s Grocery across the street.

Triple North Face: The New “Double Rainbow” ???

March 29, 2011

 

It’s so intense.

2 bros + 1 bro-ette walking in stride to Anthony’s Cookie Shop for 3 matching snax.

BREAKING: Gang Hideout Discovered

June 30, 2010

So there I was, stumbling down Orange Alley with Robby to my left and a can of grape Four Loko to my right, when an outcropping of these totes magical rainbow sticks appeared.  Upon closer inspection, I discovered that they were an artful attempt to throw my nose for MISH SCOOP off the scent…. NICE TRY GANG-DOODS.  We found the way into your doom-cave despite the sneakery:

Pickl Portal

I learned that the gang is called the NorCal Pickl Club (largely from the sign on the door) and they have been responsible for several instances of “Rainbow Sticking” all over the effing hood.  Robby and I were hella tripped out, especially when we snuck in for an even closer look and discovered the following:

NorCal Pickl Club Hates WHY?T People? Rude.

This is srsly so offensive. Assholez.

Against my better judgment, Robby thought we should try to gain access but we were stopped in our trax by their security system:

Retinal Scanner and Microwave All-In-One

I really wish I had known about this before moving to The Mish.  I’m not sure I’ll feel safe walking to Glooncey’s by myself anymore.

Armstrong Out.

Life Hack – Mission Style

June 7, 2010

I just want everyone to take a second to congratulate Robby, who finally mastered parallel parking in our bumpin’ neck of the woods.

Good thing you don't have a beach cruiser.

Armstrong out.

Gangs! In the Mish! Lock your doors!

May 4, 2010

This past weekend in Frisco was beautiful, no?  I spent my time outdoors and indoors soaking up all that the Mish has to offer on a sunny Saturday (and a still sunnier Sunday.)

On Saturday, however,  I made a frightening discovery. THERE ARE GANGS IN THE MISH!  And they hang out in Dolores Park!  They’re somewhat inconspicuous and tend to blend in, but once you know what to look for, they’re easy to spot.  Just look for motorized bicycles.  That’s right:  Moped gangs.  For real!

I think they ride mopeds, or “Puchs” as they call them, because they have the convenience of a bike without the need to pedal up those tricky Frisco hills.  The one gang that was relaxing in the park called themselves  “The Mustache Riders.”  They’re a pretty hardcore bunch, what with the tats, denim jackets and Ray-bans.  Some park-goers from the Noe informed me of several other gangs with names like “Juicy Shit” (from the Tenderloin),  “The Treats” (from Treat St.) and Caipirinhas (from little Brazil).  The city is teeming with gang-land activity!

Sanjay and the Snipers, a prominent Silicon Valley moped gang.

There’s even a gang fundraiser rally/brawl on May 9th in Dolores Park.  So maybe the D.P. is not the safest location for your afternoon festivities next weekend.  Don’t support gang activity in your neighborhood!  Who knows which poor cookie shop they shook down for those 3$ baked goods?  Anthony’s cookies, perhaps?  For a more family-friendly version of the tough guy biker gang aesthetic, try Zeitgeitst!  They have a patio!

Latin American Club For The Win

April 26, 2010

So this Saturday, I had the great pleasure of whiling away my hours at the Latin American Club!

What:  Cutest little “dive-bar-masquerading-as-chic-venue” ever.  Don’t be confused by the twinkle lights and the well-dressed thirty-somethings smoking expensive cigarettes out front.  The dusty taxidermy behind the bar will remind you that yes, you are in fact home, drinking in another of the great and gritty Mish dives.

Where:  22nd and Valencia.  Far enough from Mission Bar to make you feel fancy, but close enough to drunk food to keep your ‘tude in check.

That horse is about to be wicked tanked.

Why:  The bartenders are hella rad.  I mean, yeah, they look pissed when you order your $8 Margarita of Doom (this shit will have you passed out on Market St. in no time!)  But that’s just part of the L.A. love… Nothing says “Drink More Tequila” like an aggro eye-roll as you slap down your tip!

Also, this is a great place to commune with your fellow Mish-dwellers.  Everyone here is spinning a super positive vibe… as long as you don’t knock elbows in the throng.  Oh, and be sure to get on the crazy-secret Waiting List for a table by the door, just to make things legit.   Talk to the bearded door guy, he’ll hook you up and keep you from getting your clock cleaned by a stilleto-ed cougar with a penchant for snacking on innocent revelers.

To conclude, I urge you to watch yo’ back out front, ya’ll – There’s a moat of broken glass that grows on the sidewalk periodically, but that’s just to make you feel like you’ve earned the right to drink mad ‘ritas with the best of the best.

MISH LOVE!

Armstrong out.

How would you like your lion, sir?

April 5, 2010

I spent the good part of a rainy Easter Sunday wandering around the Mish looking for some Easter treats.  There were none to be found.  What I DID find, however, were two grocery stores on the same block with the same name: Casa Guadalupe.

The smaller one is beside “Mision Pie” and has a #2 on its banner.  (We’re assuming the bigger one down the road is #1.)  In any case, it’s #1 in my books. They didn’t have any xocolate eggs.  They DID have this:

Simba?

Are these lions free-range?  Factory farmed lions are the WORST.


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